Download PDF , by Megan Devine
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, by Megan Devine
Download PDF , by Megan Devine
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Product details
File Size: 1014 KB
Print Length: 257 pages
Publisher: Sounds True (October 1, 2017)
Publication Date: October 1, 2017
Sold by: Amazon Digital Services LLC
Language: English
ASIN: B073XXYKLP
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Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#18,236 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
I've been gifted, loaned and purchased many grief books in the two years since my son died. I can honestly say that none of those texts resonated with me and the truth of my grief experience more than Megan Devine's new book. She is a credible source of useful information, bringing not only her educational and occupational background to bear but more importantly her own life experience with deep loss and a broken culture. Above all, she is a truth teller and an advocate you'll want in your grief space.The beauty of this book is the universal insights it offers for EVERYONE who has experienced deep grief or desires to genuinely support another in their loss. The author outlines a refreshing take on grief for the reader's consideration, one where acknowledgment and a desire to love better are critical components in supporting ourselves and each other following a significant loss (ie. death, accident, illness, etc.) She adeptly explains the model's concepts in lay terms, provides numerous examples for better understanding, and recommends practical exercises that one can use to help identify and manage the impact of grief. The quotes from her writing students are especially relevant and poignant.I found Megan's work validating and thought-provoking, especially concepts such as her broader definition of "early grief", common platitudes (and why I feel their adverse affect), the critical distinction between pain and suffering (and how to minimize latter), grief as an experiment rather than a problem to be solved, and the vital role of acknowledgment and companionship in creating a way forward. One of my favorite sections is the appendix, an essay on helping a grieving friend, which offers carefully-crafted and readily shareable ground rules for supporting a loved one.I'd recommend reading this book if you or a loved one are in the midst of deep grief and looking for validation, guidance, and honesty in a post-loss world. This book, and especially the associated resources available at refugeingrief.com, are powerful tools for navigating your grief landscape with love and understanding. It's permission to grieve in your way and in your time ... and this has made all the difference in my own post-loss landscape.
The book is great in many ways, but I got quite turned off early on when she ranks deaths and makes it clear that there are some more worthy of prolonged grief than others. The examples of unworthy losses are pets and grandparents. (Neither were the reason I bought the book, personally.) Her own personal worthy death was the unexpected loss of her husband in his late thirties. In my experience, the intensity of the loss has more to do with the meaning the loss had to the individual, not how non-normative it is.
This is the book I wish I had read when I was writing a sympathy card and straining to figure out what to say to make it better (nothing will make it better), or when someone spoke about a horrible loss and I thought I was on the spot to say something to help the person get closer to closure (there is no closure).This is the book I wish I had read before my wife died, and person after person heaped misguided platitudes and unsolicited advice, and the world demanded words when I had none.The best time to read this book is before you need it - chapter 9 details why, going into detail about how grief alters the mind - throws us into a wordless place, obliterates concentration, alters experiences of memory and sense of time, and viscerally commands a new perspective on what matters. It can take years to realize a new normal.Each chapter is short, each sentence to the point. The table of contents is clearly labeled and well organized so that readers can quickly identify which pages to read to better understand and respond to a specific need or experience. 

This book has given me a better appreciation of the non-negotiable demands grieving places on body and mind. I let go of the misplaced effort to rush myself or others through "healing" or toward a "completion" that can never be, and now know how to be present with unbearable pain and unfixable horror.
I disagree with other people who say that Megan is giving off a tone of anger. She's not angry, she's raw, honest, & direct as to how this loss affected her & how most grief resources she had at the time didn't help her with her profound loss.I have followed her site, Refuge In Grief for over a year or more now. I have had a lot of profound losses in my life - friends, family members, & other people in my life. I'm about to lose my father. I am reading this now, & it's helping me with all of it present & past pain. It may not be a perfect fit for everyone, as everyone grieves differently but I know Megan is out to help people in deep pain who feel misunderstood & alone with this weight. Her intent is true. I'm glad the book is out there, I've gifted it to some friends & family that I hope it will resonate with & help.
Handling loss is an inevitable part of life, yet our cultural and social norms fail badly to equip us in this area. It's Ok That You're Not Ok should be required reading for all of us to lean how to handle this part of life. While I haven't experienced an out of order death myself, I found the information in the book to be immensely helpful, and I feel less scared to hold what can feel like the awkward grief of someone else.
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